4/29/25 - I’m updating my website a bit, and remembered I had this in the drafts. Is the title cheesy? 100%. I just reread it and think I want it active again, so here it is.
This is copy/pasted from one of my Notion posts. I realize it’s quite a personal topic, but this is my website and I think I want it to be available. Maybe it will help someone? Maybe someone will enjoy it? Not sure. Written on a plane on November 6, 2020 while on a trip to LA and during the Covid-19 Pandemic
this might seem silly but the idea to even write this came from listening to thank u, next. Ariana just came out with her album and since i've been in an Ariana mood, it makes sense.
thank u, next is such a good song and the idea for this randomly came to me at 2am while cleaning my room. I dated Linda for almost 2 years with our anniversary being on October 10th? damn, i'm sitting in my seat and i don't think i can remember our anniversary anymore. i guess time does heal and allow you to move on.
the covid-19 pandemic accelerated our break up. there is no mistake about it. but the reality is that we were fighting every week over things that we shouldn't have been arguing about for months and months. if i felt exhausted by it so often, i can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for linda. i made her cry so much. i didn't want to accept breaking up and i didn't want to accept losing linda.
you know, i'm getting sidetracked. the point of this writing is to not ignore or downplay the negative and toxic sides of our relationship. the point of it is to express and acknowledge that despite all of that, we had such amazing moments that i will never forget. i loved her so much and she made me so happy, and i hope i did too. we both taught each other a lot. i thought she was so beautiful regardless of her self-image issues and tribulations with self acceptance. i believed linda was so pretty and simply great. we had so many similarities yet we also differed on so many things too. i wish we could be friends like we talked about after a heart to heart a few weeks after the breakup, but i'm not sure if i am capable of doing that. as much as i have gone through the waves and feel okay about the breakup, i don't think i could be there as a friend with her future or current boyfriend. i will try to be happy for her though.
i'm probably thinking about this because i'm currently on a flight to LA and the last two trips i went on were with linda to seattle and toronto. two places i had been wanting to visit for so long and managed to do with my best friend. isn't that the saddest part? someone who is your best friend suddenly is no longer in your life and you just...have to move on. that's the part that was hardest for me to accept. it's been almost 4 months since the break up and i believe i've learned a lot. from talks with friends who have gone through their own heartbreak and troubles, i've grown. i wish linda could see how i am now because for so long, all she wanted was for me to improve and get better at certain things. i hope she would be happy and proud to see where i'm at now.
linda, thank you for being you. i know we had a lot of talks that were honestly pretty sad but they were also so real. thank you for being so easy to connect with even from our first date together. thank you for loving me and for going the extra mile as often as you did. thank you for understanding my anger issues and calming me down when i got too upset. thank you for trying to cheer me up when i'm down even if it didn't work. thank you for being weird and funny. you made me laugh so much and we had so many inside jokes. thank you for your quirkiness that was only between us - it honestly felt magical. those magical times include dancing like dummies together, laughing at all the cat memes, holding hands through chinatown, simply being weird together, and supporting each other through our own struggles. thank you for showing me how to be more open-minded and to not be so b&w all the time. thank you for sharing my love of music and i appreciated those playlists we made for each other. i was so sad when you stopped following them. oh, i can't forget this one! thank you for our mutual love of bread and the joy it brings. i hope i can use this knowledge and experience to make my next relationship more successful.
most importantly, thank you for inviting me into your life at home and accepting me into your family. even though i could barely communicate with your parents, thank you for accepting me with open arms and making me feel apart of something because i had no family of my own here. i'll never forget that act of kindness, so i thank you again.
after many talks with friends, i realized i had been holding onto a lot of guilt. i couldn't help it. i screwed up so much at the end of the relationship that it felt impossible NOT to be and feel guilty. i'm sure i'll still deal with it for the foreseeable future but it no longer feels crippling.
and with that... thank u, next.
we both loved odesza so very much. music is my love language and i'm so damn thankful i was able to share my love of odesza with someone i cared about so much. with my best friend! we saw them in philly together and it felt amazing. for a short period, everything felt fine. please listen to it if you have the time. it's a beautiful song.